


Middle of My Mind

by mattie9



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: Angst, F/F, Falling In Love, Introspection, One Shot, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 09:46:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10659999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattie9/pseuds/mattie9
Summary: Patsy contemplates her love for a certain Welsh nurse. Takes place when they are still trainees.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by the Tom Rosenthal song.
> 
> This is my first attempt at writing a fanfic. Sorry if it’s completely rubbish

It was just before daybreak. Patsy could smell it in the air. The night shifts the last few months had made her acutely aware of the natural rhythms of the city. She took a deep breath and lit a cigarette. She felt the chill in the air invading the tips of her fingers and toes, but the warm smoke filling her lungs was keeping it at bay.

A puff. Then another.

This bench was her sanctuary, a sacred part of her routine. It was in a slightly secluded nook off the street, only a few ways behind the nurse’s home. On the way back from the London, but not close enough for it to be a spot for a quick smoke. Patsy would sit there after every shift, to gather her thoughts, trying to put her shift in male surgical- which was torturous most of the time- behind her, or just to relax a little before heading back to the nurses home. Where it wasn’t much better.

Patsy shook her head to chase away the echoes of smiling cornflower blue. Why was it that whenever she was alone, thoughts of a certain dark haired Welsh nurse rose?

Oh, Patsy knew the reason; she had long since given up fighting it. There was just something about Delia.

She had stopped herself from saying that name until then. But once she did it, everything came in a wave. There was just something about her, whether it was her kindness, her dimples, those blue eyes, or the disarming way she made everyone around her feel at ease- Patsy just didn’t know.

What she did know, was that the normally efficient, polished Nurse Mount was prone to fits of uncharacteristic awkwardness whenever Delia was around.

She took the last drag of her cigarette and crushed it under her heel That was it. Best not thought about. She lit another with shaky hands. If she didn’t think about it, maybe it would just...go away. Stupid thing was, Patsy had been trying to do that for almost the entirety of the year and a half she’d known the Welsh beauty. She had no idea when it started, but she vividly remembered the moment when realization hit. They had been studying one night, like they always did since they moved into rooms next to each other on the first day. Her scotch addled brain was trying to make sense of the notes they were revising. Then, all at once it hit her. Patsy loved her. God help her, she loved Delia Busby with every fiber of her being. After spending the initial weeks terrified, Patsy had accepted it. So here she was, staring through the approaching daylight, thinking about a woman who was probably as approachable about the subject as a Saint. Damn, Patsy was thinking about her again.  She took a deep drag and swallowed her bitterness along with the smoke.

In her preoccupation, Patsy never noticed a figure approaching until a shadow fell across her. She looked up to see the very cause of her torment.

Oh God Delia.

She was off the night shift too; her lightly tousled hair and weary gaze attested to that much. Her normally dreamy blue eye looked darkened with concern. It was still dark enough, so Patsy knew she couldn’t really read her expression, but she must have caught something in her eyes because she moved to sit beside her.

"Are you alright?" she asked leaning in, giving Patsy a gentle nudge.

The physical contact between them had become so casual that Delia thought nothing of it. Patsy did. Every time. Every nerve ending she had would be aflame. Every time. It was all she could think about at times.

Patsy looked around, and it was still deserted around them. But her sanctuary felt under siege. She gritted her teeth and took another deep drag of the cigarette before she dared to answer.

Patsy shrugged, "Just watching the sunrise." she said, making a point of running her eyes over the horizon.

Her companion smiled at her, and Patsy felt blue eyes boring into her, "No you weren’t."

When the hell had she become so perceptive? Patsy had always been proud of her ability to remain aloof. How on earth was Delia able to read her so plainly?

"Could’ve fooled me." She said, trying to make her mood sound lighter than it was.

Dark head nodded sagely, her eyes seeking Patsy’s in the dim light. God knows what Delia found in hers, but Patsy was once more adrift in the sea blue.

She blinked and looked away quickly, trying to pull herself together. She couldn’t slip now, or everything will be for naught. There was so much on the line.

"Pats, what’s wrong?" Deli’s soft lilt drew Patsy back to the blue. Patsy always was a masochist that way.

Patsy felt her breath instantly catch as she felt Delia’s hand take her’s.

"Nothing." Patsy tried to smile, but under the circumstances, a grimace was all that she could manage.

Delia sighed and removed her hand. Patsy’s shoulders almost sagged with the relief. That, however, was short lived as the dark haired nurse leaned on her shoulder, staring sideways up at her. She looked so right, sitting there like that, that Patsy felt tears prickling her eyes. She blinked them back. To cry would be her undoing.

"You know, you need to stop doing this." she said. Patsy felt the timbre of Delia’s voice lower slightly.

"What?" The word sounded like a worn record, crackling in her throat.

“No one’s here. It’s just us.” She spoke softly. "There’s no need to hide from me."

Something stabbed through her, "Why would you think that?"

"Because it’s true, Pats. You’re always out here, staring at the sunrise, but you are miles away."

How long had Delia watched her? How many days? Patsy’s heart began to hammer wildly in her chest. She lit another cigarette, ignoring her companion’s annoyance at the prolific speed she was going through them.

Blue bored into Patsy again, and she looked away. What more did she want? Patsy had opened up to her more than she had imagined.

Not that Delia had left her much choice. After her first appearance one night during our early days when she’d heard her crying out, she was never too far away. Never prying though- waiting until she was ready.

But Patsy would never be ready for this. She _could_ never be ready.

"I like watching the sun rise." Patsy repeated.

Patsy felt her smile, "A ribbon at a time.." she trailed off at her blank look.

"Dickinson," she said, and Patsy meekly nodded. “It isn’t the ribbons you’re looking at, is it Pats?"

"No." Patsy somehow found herself saying softly. Why was it that she could never lie to her, not even for her own good?

"Then why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind, I might be able to help."

"No, I don’t think you could."

Silence. Patsy saw hurt flash through her eyes for instant before settling back to the deep sea blue. She shifted against her and her body reacted of its own accord. Patsy shuddered lightly. She must have felt it, but she did nothing, just looked at her with those eyes of hers until Patsy thought she’d burst, or die, or both. What was it with them? What was it with her?

"Why don’t you try me?"

Patsy shook her head against the temptation of speaking. She’d told herself just spending time with Delia was enough. Just being there in her life made the torment worth bearing. But Patsy had to be strong. It would have broken her to see those blue eyes so full of warmth, chill and look away in disgust. No, it would have been too much.

Delia straightened up then, and gathered Patsy’s hands in her own once again. Her seemingly chilled flesh was enveloped in the warmth of the embrace. Patsy felt the tears again and willed them to leave. However, her will seemed relatively unforgiving of late.

"Patsy," she said, her stronger than normal lilt belied her emotions. "It’s alright, whatever it is, it’s alright."

Patsy shook her head again and tried to pull her hands free, yet she held her firm.

"No Deels, it’s not alright."

"C’mon," she reached up a hand to brush a tear from her cheek, "it can’t be that bad."

Patsy tried to smile, but she must have failed miserably because something washed over Delia’s features. She brushed loosely at Patsy’s hair and caressed the side of her face with light fingertips. If Patsy didn’t get away from her soon she was going to lose it completely.

"Delia, don’t." Patsy whispered as Delia’s hand found its way back to her’s.

Delia looked down at their hands then, and laced Patsy’s fingers with her own. Perfect. She stayed that way for a moment before meeting Patsy’s gaze and speaking gently.

"You have no idea how much I love you, do you?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kind comments! I really appreciate it! :)
> 
> Hope you guys like it.

It was getting brighter around them as the sun finally climbed over the horizon. Delia’s voice rang in her ears.

_You have no idea how much I love you._

Patsy searched her now brilliant blue eyes for what seemed like an eternity before her companion dropped her gaze. She smiled weakly and gave Patsy’s hands a gentle caress, fingers trailing lightly over the backs of her palms. Delia sighed before rising to her full height. Silhouetted against the glowing sky, her expression was impossible to read. Patsy swallowed hard as Delia looked at her, not really seeing her at all.

"Love?" Patsy asked after a long moment.

Delia shook her head and was gone. Patsy stared after her, watching her go further away from her than she thought possible. What did she mean? Did those few words mean anything at all? Patsy swung her eyes back to the horizon and caught a glimpse of the sunlight streaming through the buildings, the day struggling to make itself known. Patsy took a deep breath. She had to find her. She had to know if her words were real.

Patsy returned to the nurse’s home as fast as her feet could carry her. She strode up to their room, taking two steps at once, but hesitated at the door of Delia’s room, listening.

There was a silence, and then Patsy heard it.

A sob.

Why was she crying? Patsy knocked and entered without waiting for an answer. This was too important. Patsy found her friend sitting on her bed, looking so small and broken, that her heart clenched in pain. Seeing her, Delia quickly wiped away her tears. She sniffed and offered a watery half-smile.

"What’s all this for?"

Patsy couldn’t fathom, that a few moments ago, she had been the one in tears.

"I’m sorry," Delia began, her voice wavering slightly, "I don’t know why I said that."

Patsy felt her heart collapse inside her chest, and it must have shown because Delia’s eyes suddenly chilled.

"You must hate me." she whispered as she dropped her gaze to her lap.

Patsy strode across the room.

"No, I don’t hate you."

Delia sat slumped on the bed and looked so alone. As alone as Patsy felt. Her watery eyes met Patsy’s as the blonde moved to sit on the edge of the bed. She reached out a hand which Delia took hesitantly. Neither of them needed to feel abandoned.

"Why?" she asked. The morning sun was streaming in through the window, and danced, golden, against Delia’s skin.

"I don’t know." Patsy said softly as she drew Delia’s hand up to her lips and brushed lightly against her palm. She felt the welsh woman’s breath catch. She looked up to see startled blue looking at her.

"I love you." Patsy whispered. She could hardly believe what was happening.

Delia leaned towards her, reaching out to cup the side of her face. Patsy felt her eyes closing as she leaned in to the warmth that was offered.

"You do?" Delia asked, hesitancy clear.

Patsy kissed her palm again, she was right, it was going to be alright, "Yeah."

Delia rose then, drawing Patsy with her. They stood like that a moment, Patsy with hand to her lips and Delia, cupping her face.

Slowly, she lowered Delia’s hand and placed it on her own waist. She watched as blue eyes dropped to take in the movement. Smiled as she heard a sigh. She stepped in closer, their bodies nearly touching.

She could feel the warmth against her body. Delia’s scent invaded her senses. She felt the hand at her waist snake around and draw her in. She felt Delia’s warm hand as it stroked the side of her face, and trailed the backs of her fingers down Patsy’s neck to her shoulder. Nothing could have spoiled that moment.

Patsy felt her heart was going to burst. With shaking hands she pushed one of Delia’s dark tresses behind her ear. She then let her hand grasp the shorter woman’s shoulder, and traced the muscles of her back beneath her lilac uniform. They stayed like that, each accepting the comfort that they were there, and however bewilderingly- they were together.

Delia sighed once more as she rested her head against the taller woman's chest. Patsy was sure she could hear her heart hammering.

"I’ve loved you for so very long." Delia whispered. Patsy shuddered as Delia’s breath teased her lightly, or perhaps it was more her words, for they echoed her own emotions.

Patsy pulled back from her and searched her expression. A smile flickered across her lips briefly, and Patsy knew that she was struggling as Patsy was, to believe that we were here, like this.

That this was real.

Patsy returned the smile, and reached out a hand to stop any further words from Delia’s lips with her fingers. She felt her fingertips tingle as they came in contact with warm lips.

Delia reached up between them before leaning in to place the lightest of kisses against her cheek. She pulled back, blue eyes searching, as if asking for permission to go further. Though Patsy felt paralyzed, she must’ve given her what she was looking for as Delia leaned in once more. She felt soft lips brush against hers in a tentative dance. The moment was so tangible.

She pulled back, but not all the way. Just enough that their foreheads were touching.

"I’ve been so afraid." she breathed.

"I know."

"So afraid that I couldn’t hold myself together."

"I know." Patsy said again, as Delia caressed her cheek, as if she had done it a thousand times before, but needed to reaffirm reality.

Then, with more courage that Patsy knew she had. She cupped Delia’s face and pulled her closer.

Electricity ran through her veins.

All this time of longing, of hoping. Of silent despair.

It was worth it.

When they parted, after what seemed like forever Patsy stared into the blue. And felt her breath hitch at the joy that shone through. She found Delia grinning and Patsy found herself responding in kind. It was with near embarrassment that Delia pulled away from her, a sensation she did not particularly relish. But she turned away shyly, as if she couldn’t believe what had just transpired.

Patsy followed her those few steps, as she sat down on the bed once more. She sighed and leaned in to rest her head on Delia’s shoulder.

"I love you." Patsy murmured again, against the lilac fabric. Delia reached over to grab her arm, and let it rest lightly on her lap. She had always loved those hands. Soft, yet strong fingers now caressed her forearms, drawing intricate patterns on Patsy’s exposed skin. Branding Patsy for her own. Forever.

She didn’t know how long they sat there, but the room got brighter around her.

It was going to be beautiful day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments/ suggestions welcome

**Author's Note:**

> I know it’s maybe a little drawn out. It kinda got away from me, and I was trying to convey how terrified Patsy must’ve been.
> 
> Wrote it as a one shot, but may write a follow up if anyone thinks it's worth it.
> 
> Comments/ suggestions welcome.


End file.
